(A big thanks to Ashir's player who helped me write this blog.)
The moon still called to me despite all my hard work. It was a fact that I couldn’t deny no matter how much I might want to. I realized I was tempting fate by staying outside this long. Nevertheless, the white rays that shone down held a power all there own and before I knew it I couldn’t move if I wanted to--if I dared too. The sound of the wolf in the distance pulled my attention away from my own racing heartbeat. I glanced behind me to see the wolf staring at me. The brown eyes of the wolf reflection my own wolf back at me. For a second I thought I could reach out and touch my own inner reflection from his eyes. Was that what I looked like to him? Shaking the thought off me, I growled as my hand went to my beads by second nature now. They were the one thing I never took off. They were my rock--my security blanket if you will.
In one moment, he shifted to his human form. The form I knew him as although not the first form I knew him in. The brown haired male stood before me. Despite everything, he was attractive and a part of me longed to run across the woods with him. A desire I would never give into. He claimed I was his mater. Mate! I could almost spit the word in his face. I called to him. But, not like, he thought. It was a part of the power. It came from the spirit magic inside of me. The power of the ranger existed inside my blood. I admit to not fully understanding it myself despite everything my father had explained. The wolf was my animal to call and he had answered my call.
I stared back at him. I always hated seeing myself in his eyes. There was something there. Was it because my true form was in them? Was it because when I saw myself there I saw something I was not. I couldn’t explain the look if I tried. It was like a man who had been lost in the desert finding water. It was everything he need or wanted and yet it was just above his head---unreachable. I pushed the connection down the desire to run to him--to run with him. I dug my fingernails into my arm. The pain was good it felt real. The pain I could deal with. It was my constant companion on many a nights like this. It keeps me sane.
“Why won’t you let me help you?” The irritation was clear in his voice. It hung between us like so many things. Insurmountable obstacles, walls that would never be torn down.
“Help me?” I spat at him. “You did this to me. You destroyed my life. You made me a monster.” It was always the same argument between the two of us played out repeatedly. While the words might change of the order, the rest remained the same.
He growled as some words were left unspoken on his lips. Reaching out he grabbed my wrist. “Do you think this change the fact that I changed you?”
“No, they just keep me from losing it to the beast.” I glared at him. There was a part of me, which wanted to throttle him. It was amazing to me that I managed to resist the urge.
“That’s not controlling it. That's putting off the inevitable. If you keep denying the wolf, you will change and you will kill again. If you allowed me to help you, I can teach you how to be in complete control. How to never hurt someone unless you wished to" As he said those words he shifted into all three forms. He spoke in each form. He returned to his human one. He would never age. Nor would any of his children. He had seen other lines where they grew old just as human did.
I found myself wanting to kick him. “Bah.” I watched the transformation between forms as always in awe of his ability. Even if I admired his control. I would never let him into my life. He had killed my family. For what? To make me into a wolf like him? I hated him. Despite the draw? Despite the fact that at times, he made my heart race. Despite the fact that he had never harmed me other than changing me of course. Despite all the terms of endearments. Some things I could never forgive and this was one of them.
“Damn it. I gave you a gift. Why can’t you see that?” He snarled at me.
I wasn’t afraid of him. He didn’t scare me. “A gift? The gift of hurting those I love.” I spat the words back at him. “How the hell is that a gift?” I found myself shouting now. I couldn’t control my emotions anymore. The wolf wanted to be let free.
“You wouldn’t have killed them if you had let me help you. It is all because you are too stubborn.”
“Stubborn. I am stubborn. You are the one who doesn’t understand that the sight of you sickens me.”
“I am not the one who sickens you.”
“Really? Who is it then? The monster? You are that monster.”
“Am I?”
His words rang hallow into my ears as I yelled. “You made me a monster. You turned me into the monster that destroyed my family. I killed both my families because of you. If you hadn’t changed me I would have never done it.” My words echoed across the room---like a pin that had been dropped into a pool of silence. I stood there in shocked silence at my own words. The memories came rushing back. I knew I had killed my foster family. Nevertheless, my other family the one who I had believed was my real family. The family that I had thought was my biological. I had thought I had been turned that night. It all came rushing out. The wolf came rushing out pouring out of me in spirit form. The pain shot through my body and I felt like I was dying as the scream that came with it pushed the power forward.
It cleared a path in front of it. A strange blue wolf seemed to be made of nothing but energy cutting a path through the woods in front of me. The wolf was being fueled by my rage, my grief, and my hatred of myself. I hated him for what he had done. The sin that I had committed myself. I hated him because he was a reminder of my own guilt. The guilt I would carry with me from this day forth. I turned and stared at him. Not sure what to say or do. So, I ran. I ran as far and as fast as my feet could carry me. It cut a path of destruction in front of me. I continued to move till I could move no more. I moved until my feet were bloody and my body could not take another step before falling to the ground. I had created a path of insurmountable destruction behind me. I feel to the ground. There really was no point in running. You can’t escape the monster, when the monster is you.